My Transition From A Working Mom To A Stay-At-Home Mom
Suffering Through Postpartum Depression and Feeling Alone
I’ve been a stay-at-home mom now for around six years. If you had asked me 20 years ago if I could imagine myself being a stay-at-home mom, I would laugh at your face and say no. I studied so hard and went to college to find a job and have a successful career. But why? Because that was the thing to do at the time.
I wish someone had given me a bigger picture instead of making me follow a narrow path. No one asked me if I wanted to get married or have kids when I grew up. Was that already assumed?
And if so, why didn’t anyone better prepare me? I wish someone had taught me what constitutes a good wife and husband so I could look for those qualities in potential mates and to also work on trying to grow those qualities for myself. Or maybe I should have been better at reading the Bible from an earlier age.
I’m Grateful that We Saved Money
Before my husband and I got married, we took a Marriage Prep course offered through our church. After we got married, we took Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University, also offered through our church. We wanted a strong foundation for our marriage and wanted it to succeed, so we were open to learning anything that could help.
In our early stages of marriage, my husband was very disciplined about keeping track of our expenses and creating a monthly budget. We each had a “personal budget” and, being a natural people-pleaser who didn’t want to upset him, I did my best to not go over mine every month. I’m glad we were so strict with how our money was spent because we were able to accumulate a good amount of savings. This helped us out later down the road when I unexpectedly experienced moderate postpartum depression after having my son.
Did I Even Want To Have Kids?
I was so focused on building a career that I didn’t know if I even wanted to have kids initially. I never felt naturally inclined to kids when I was younger. When my childhood friend and I would play pretend school, she was always the teacher and I was always the principal. My younger sister had the propensity to gravitate towards kids. I seemed to be the one who would just watch from the sidelines, a little clueless as to how to interact with them. After a certain age, I never even played much with my own younger sister. Maybe the four-year age gap acted as a barrier that kept us isolated in our own rooms. Maybe I thought I was too cool for her.
As our close friends started having kids, eventually my heart changed and I thought, “Maybe I do want to have kids. But let’s just start with one and go from there.” My mom was able to work full-time and have three daughters, so I assumed that I could handle being a working mom as well. Partially because of the language barrier, my mother never revealed to me any of her struggles or gave me any heads up as to what I should expect from the tremendous responsibilities of juggling a job and family. Or maybe my mom had a different mindset and thought of motherhood as a duty.
My friends who became moms before me also never really shared the whole truth. In my eyes I just saw a cute baby who was fun to play with. On social media I would see picturesque family photos or professional baby photos. Everything looked so perfect. So when I myself became a mom and struggled, I compared myself to these picture-perfect images and thought I was failing as a mother. Everyone else seemed to be doing it better than me.
Every mom has a unique experience. A lot of moms think the infant stage, with the lack of sleep and the monotony of routine, is the hardest. I didn’t mind that stage at all. I loved being on maternity leave and spending time with my baby. I took three months off for maternity leave, and my husband took three weeks off from work.
When I went back to work, my mom initially offered to watch my son so he wouldn’t have to attend daycare. But after one month, she realized it was too difficult to do the 45-minute commute back and forth. She still also had the responsibility of taking care of my dad and younger sister with special needs. So we ended up finding a daycare nearby. My husband did drop-offs in the mornings, while I left work promptly at 5 p.m. so I could pick up my son before the daycare closed at 6 p.m. It didn’t seem so bad initially.
Experiencing Stressful Events After Having My Son
At around 4 months old, my son’s body suddenly turned red all over. As new parents, we had no idea what was going on so we decided to take him to the emergency room at around 8 or 9 in the evening. We did a lot of waiting. When it was finally our turn to be seen, I watched helplessly as the staff poked and prodded my son’s arm with needles to perform a couple blood tests.
In the end, we found out our son had eczema.
Lots of visits to the dermatologist.
Lots of applying Aquaphor and hydrocortisone cream.
Lots of binding my son’s hands with velcro mittens or socks so he wouldn’t scratch.
Lots of looking at my baby’s face with red blotches all over and feeling sorry for him.
That’s all I remember.
It didn’t seem to phase my kid though. He was still a happy baby who had the cutest smile and heartwarming laughs. He still brought much joy to my life.
When my son reached the age to start introducing solids, I was stressed out because I had no idea what to do. As a working mom, I relied on the convenience of store-bought baby food, thinking that I didn’t have the time to create my own pureed food. Fed is best, right?
Around that same time, my husband started a new job with better pay but a worse commute. From Ventura County, he commuted to Culver City. In order to avoid peak traffic times, he would leave around 9:30-10 a.m., work a full day, eat dinner at work, and then arrive home usually around 9 p.m. This left me doing the “second shift” all alone. I was exhausted and devoid of my husband’s company and help.
Also, around that same time (when it rains, it pours, I suppose), my husband’s stepfather passed away after battling cancer for five years. I didn’t realize my husband was facing his own internal struggles but keeping his emotions inside to stay strong for our family. He was dealing with grief at the same time as having to support a depressed wife.
When my son was 9 months old, his eczema hadn’t really improved much, so our pediatrician referred us to an allergist. They did a prick test on his back and found out he was allergic to cow’s milk, egg whites, and most nuts. Thinking it’d be impossible to try to give those up in my own diet, I decided to wean him off breast milk and switch to formula. His eczema significantly improved after making that change. But now we had multiple food allergies to work around in terms of his diet. We couldn’t just pack Mac and Cheese as an easy lunch for daycare.
I Eventually Became Broken
With all these stressors happening one after the other, along with the fact that I was miserable at my job, I eventually broke. I went through the daily motions like a robot. My husband, wanting to be as supportive as he could, picked up my slack. After coming home at 9 p.m., he would cook things that we could use the following day. But we were both drained. Our relationship suffered, and this was probably the lowest point in our marriage.
We lacked support. Our close friends either moved away or seemed too busy with their own lives to check up on ours. We stopped going to church for a year because it seemed easier with my son’s schedule.
Because every mom has a different experience, I had difficulty finding someone I could truly confide in. I feared that if I revealed any of my struggles, people would judge me as being weak. So I kept it inside until I couldn’t.
At some point I realized I needed help. I started seeing a therapist who encouraged me to take medical leave from my work. I initially had hesitations because I didn’t want to put additional stress on my manager. I had this notion in my head that work NEEDED me.
But I learned to let go and rest. I used those couple months to take time for myself. My therapist helped me realize that at the end of the day, my family should matter more to me than work (which seems so common sense now - what was I thinking?). In the end, I ultimately decided to quit my corporate job.
I’m so grateful for my parents who supported me during my depression. They visited me to check up on me. They brought me food or invited me to go to Galleria Market (a Korean grocery store in the Valley) so we could have lunch at the food court while my son was in daycare. My mom occasionally invited me to go hiking with her and her friends. It felt nice to be invited to things.
Questioning God
During my depression, I complained to my husband a lot. “Why does God hate me?” I would ask him. I couldn’t understand what was happening, why my life was falling apart. I felt ashamed and thought I was a complete failure.
But I now realize God was always with me. He was using those challenging experiences in my life to strengthen my faith and lead me back towards Him. I’m grateful for what I experienced because it led me to who I am today - a more joyful, peaceful, faithful, confident, strong woman.
He strategically placed people in my life at the perfect time to guide me out of my difficult situation. My husband randomly reconnected with someone he used to attend Bible study with and scheduled a park playdate. She invited us to join her small group and encouraged us to go back to church at a different service time than we were used to.
When we first attended the small group, no one else ended up showing up so it was just her and her husband with me and my husband. Towards the end of the meeting, she asked if we had any prayer requests. I remember breaking down in tears in front of them, too desperate to care what they would think of me, and shared my situation. They prayed for me. It’s been six years since that incident, and we still attend their small group.
Who you surround yourself with is so important because, whether you like it or not, they will shape who you are. Fellowship with other believers provides a strong support system that I couldn’t seem to find with other friends. Life is hard, whether we like to admit it or not. It’s nice to have other people pray for you, to help you, and to remind you of who God is.
*On a side note, if I could turn back time, especially if we had found a way for me to be a stay-at-home mom earlier (less fear of our finances perhaps?), I would have done things differently in terms of what I fed my baby or even perhaps how I dealt with his eczema. I would’ve tried to do more research on my own and try alternative methods instead of just listening to the doctor. Please don’t judge me for my parenting decisions.