Gratitude for Friendships in Adulthood
When's the next brunch or Moms Night Out?
I’m grateful for a lot of things, but I’m especially appreciative of the group of friends I’ve managed to cultivate in recent years. This past Monday I met up with four mom friends for brunch. You know the saying “Time flies by when you’re having fun”? That’s what happened.
On the drive back home, I realized that we had been chatting for two and a half hours. We had so much fun, in fact, that we’ve already scheduled our next brunch gathering for October. Put it on your calendar, or it won’t happen. That’s been my mindset these days.
Introducing the Newbie
Four of us already knew each other, either through church or existing connections. One mom (invited by me) was new to the group - let’s just call her OC Transplant. She had moved to Ventura County a couple years ago for her husband’s job and was a stay-at-home mom. She tried to make new friends around the area but wasn’t having any luck.
“So how do you two know each other?” the other moms curiously asked. Now that’s an interesting story.
On January 9, 2023, I received a random message from a stranger through my Facebook Messenger app:
Hi Miriam. I just happened to come across your posting about “My Story as an Asian American.” I was born and raised in Korea but moved here when I was about 14 because of my dad’s overseas work assignments and then ended up moving back to Korea after college for a job and then moved back here again after 4 years there. Anyhow, I moved to Ventura County about a year ago because of husband’s new job. I have been a house wife since having my son in Orange County and have had no problem forming a circle of friends then but since moving here, despite my effort, it hasn’t been easy finding a friendship and I already look forward to moving out of here one day… (insert sad emoji with a single tear) As an Asian American myself with an American husband and a biracial boy at home, I just wanted to reach out and say hi. I wanted to ask if you have any stay home mom group that you belong to here… or that you could recommend. I am really coming out of my comfort zone, reaching out for a community support online (insert smile emoji). I hope that I am not being rude by reaching out to you. Thank you in advance!
I responded back:
Hi there! Where in Ventura County do you live? I live in Camarillo and am currently a housewife as well. I grew up in Ventura County (Oxnard), so it feels like home to me, but I totally know what you mean about having a hard time making new friends. I’ve been feeling the same way! I’m not sure if it would be any different if I lived somewhere else though. I think it’s also the stage of life I’m in. I have one 6-year-old boy who’s now in 1st grade. It was easier to have mom friends when he was younger and we could do play dates and more fun outings. Now I feel like all my mom friends are busy with their own lives.
We continued chatting. She mentioned that she thinks Orange County has more stay-at-home moms and a bigger Asian community. She missed it, and I later found out she often travels to Orange County on the weekends to visit friends because she has no one here. That’s not a short drive!
We chatted for a bit.
I told her we could meet up for lunch or coffee.
I tried inviting her to my church, saying that’s how I’ve found community and told her there’s actually a lot of Asians that attend (no pressure though!).
I told her she could add me as a Facebook friend, even though I wasn’t very active on Facebook at the time.
I told her that maybe I could introduce her to some of my Asian mom friends around the area.
We exchanged phone numbers and eventually met up for coffee. I guess we clicked because we continued to hang out. We both have easygoing personalities and have similar preferences in food, so I guess that helps. I know she misses gathering in a group setting, so I try to find opportunities to include her.
Get Outside Your Comfort Zone
God works in mysterious ways. What if I had never joined Ventura County Mom Collective after seeing a call for local writers on Facebook? What if “My Story as an Asian American” was never published? I highly doubt OC Transplant would’ve found me. She got outside of her comfort zone by reaching out to me. I got outside my comfort zone by meeting a complete stranger I had met online. That’s not the first time I’ve done it. But we all know there are a lot of weirdos on the Internet.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve found it to be challenging to make new friendships in adulthood. When I was younger, I took the passive approach. After marrying my husband and expanding my social network, we got invited to a lot of things and our weekends were busy.
But some of our closest friends moved away, to different states or far away. And most of our friends also have young kids that they’re raising. It can be difficult to find the time for friends, especially if you’re a working parent. As an introvert, it can be easy to succumb to the comfort of staying at home.
Over the years, I’ve managed to force myself to get outside my comfort zone. After moving to a different city when my son was 3 years old, I decided to join a local MOMS Club, only for the COVID-19 pandemic to come shortly after and disrupt my plans.
Once people started feeling comfortable enough to gather again, I volunteered to be secretary of the Board so that the club could remain active. As a Board member, I was obligated to host at least one activity a month. I’m not gonna lie - sometimes it felt awkward to meet new members and make small talk. You know how it is - sometimes you instantly connect with someone, and other times you don’t. But the more frequently I saw and interacted with these moms, the more comfortable I became.
The club has since dissolved and transformed into an unofficial, private Facebook group. Many of the moms decided to go back to work or have other obligations. I still try to host a monthly Moms Night Out when I can, and I think other moms appreciate it. I know how lonely motherhood can be. I look forward to catching up with these new friends - we share stories, we laugh, we offer advice. Sometimes the group is as large as ten people or as small as four, but it’s generally a good time.
We weren’t meant to do life alone. As human beings, we’re social creatures who are meant to live in community. But a lot of us tend to prioritize other things in life and forget that. Technology and smartphones sometimes give us the illusion of connection. I do agree that it’s a convenient way to keep in touch with people and to read about the lives of others. But I find joy in meeting in person and investing in deeper relationships. It’s good for the soul.
I’m grateful for my mom friends, my childless friends, my single friends, my older friends, and my online friends. I’m grateful for all my friends in my life.