Chasing After Beauty
Is it true that the popular trend among teenage girls these days is to be on the curvier, thicker end and that skinny girls feel ostracized? I recently read an anonymous post in a local mom’s Facebook group where the mom was inquiring about protein powder and supplement recommendations for her teen daughter. While her daughter eats pretty healthy and exercises regularly, she is ashamed of her body. She is skinny and wishes she could be “more thick.” One mom commented that “thick trends” are common nowadays and gave her suggestions.
I was flabbergasted. When I was growing up, the opposite was true . Skinny girls were “in,” and I’m sure anyone who wasn’t skinny felt the pressure to fit in with what was considered “cool” at the time. I don’t know if it’s in my genes or what, but I’ve always naturally had really fast metabolism. I’ve always been tall and lanky, more awkward than attractive in my humble opinion. I remember being called “Long Legs” in Konglish.
Growing Up Skinny: Awkward to A Little Cooler
As a skinny Asian girl growing up, I never felt as though I was prettier than everyone else. Quite often, I was the one who felt inadequate. Usually this would happen when I compared myself against a white girl with blonde hair and blue/green eyes.
Reflecting on that now, why did that happen? Was it because I watched a lot of TV and movies and there was a lack of Asian representation? It didn’t help that I started wearing glasses (and not the cool-looking frames that we have these days) in fifth grade. It also didn’t help that I was a quiet, shy introvert who preferred to be a wallflower.
While most of my other female peers were blossoming, I remained small chested. Back then, I had the notion that guys were only attracted to girls with big boobs. Since I wasn’t exactly gifted in that area, I automatically felt at a disadvantage. Sure, I could’ve worn push-up bras, but that felt weird to me. In real life, I generally don’t like to call attention to myself.
In high school (or was it 8th grade?), my parents allowed me to wear contact lenses, and I’m not going to lie, my confidence grew and I felt a lot cooler. Back then, the popular thing to do was go to the mall and take “glamour shots” with friends. You would choose a fun background and get photographed in cute poses. Then you would write a little note on the back of the photograph and distribute it to all your friends.
I remember having a binder decorated with all my friends’ photos. I guess, in a way, that was the equivalent of social media now. Girls wanted to show off how pretty they were. I’m embarrassed to admit that I took a lot of those photos.
Why did I care so much about my looks growing up? I read voraciously as a kid, and this included fashion, beauty, and celebrity magazines - Seventeen, YM, Teen People, etc. Magazines seemed easier to read than books because the content appeared shorter.
I’m not sure why, but I would read the magazines cover-to-cover, every single article and every single caption. I was nowhere close to dating or feeling “mature,” but maybe I was curious? Maybe I thought these magazines held all the answers. Maybe they were my “Bible” during my teenage years.
High School Years: I Didn’t Really Care and Then Acne Erupted
Growing up, I didn’t have much of a fashion sense, maybe because my mom didn’t seem to care about fashion. In high school I dressed pretty casually - shirt (no crop tops, maybe occasionally spaghetti straps) or hoodie, jeans (maybe flared? definitely not skinny), and Adidas sneakers - with no makeup (because I didn’t know anything about products or how to even apply anything on my face) and my hair often pulled back into a ponytail.
Because I was naturally skinny growing up and didn’t need to lose weight, I had very little motivation to exercise. My dad did make me take Taekwondo classes for a period of time, and I was probably in the best shape of my life. But I remember hating running the mile in P.E. class. I didn’t have the stamina or endurance. I would feel nauseous and lightheaded afterwards. Sometimes I’d have difficulty walking to my next class.
During my junior and senior years of high school, I was heavily involved with the school newspaper. I would stay at school really late, a lot of times past midnight, to meet publication deadlines. Looking back on it, while I was proud of myself for being so passionate about an extracurricular activity, I wish I knew the importance of regular exercise and sleep.
During my senior year, right before graduation, my face exploded with really bad acne. Was my body telling me that I had overstressed it by staying up late studying, working on a project, or trying to finish the layout of the school newspaper?
Ever since then, my acne stayed with me for a long time. I tried so many different products and went to a couple dermatologists. It greatly impacted my self-esteem. I became really self-conscious and hated looking at myself in the mirror. Was God punishing me for previously making beauty my idol?
Continuing to Chase Beauty into Adulthood
Later in my adult life, I thought taking the birth control pill would help me with my acne issue. It did temporarily. But when I decided to stop using birth control because I didn’t like how it was affecting my body, my acne flared back up. It was unpredictable. Sometimes my face looked fine, and other times I felt hideous.
When I worked in the industry of affiliate marketing, I felt the pressure to keep up with my female colleagues. I started highlighting/dyeing my hair (I don’t even think my hair had started graying yet). Before networking conferences, I would go shopping for nice outfits, I would get gel nails done so they’d last longer, and I would get my hair done. I felt the need to buy Kate Spade purses because some of my coworkers owned and loved that brand. Why was I such a follower? Or maybe it’s just typical behavior to copy who you surround yourself with.
I’m now a stay-at-home mom and don’t feel as much pressure to look a certain way. But some beauty habits have stayed with me. I still feel the need to highlight/dye my hair, although not as frequently as before. I still enjoy getting the occasional pedicure, but now, thanks to ColorStreet, I do my nails at home when I feel the urge (but I’m also ok with just leaving my nails the way they naturally are). I still wear Kate Spade purses, but more so because I like the style.
I’m really picky with what I wear. If I go shopping and don’t love a particular piece of clothing, most of the time I won’t buy it. I invest in skincare (although I spend way less than I used to because I’ve learned to find budget products that still work well on my skin). I wear tinted sunblock or foundation to hide blemishes or acne scars. I sometimes wear mascara, blush, or lip gloss, but usually nothing too extreme. I use beauty and fashion as a way to help me feel more confident in myself, not to impress anyone else.
Conclusion
Now that I’m 40, I still experience hormonal acne, but not as bad as before. I’ve improved my diet (though it could still be better), decreased my consumption of alcohol, and incorporated healthier habits (consistent exercise being one of them). I feel the most confident I’ve been in a really long time. I am happy with how I look. I’ve increased weight, hovering between 122-125 (whereas I had previously been 110-115). I went from a size small to medium in tops and a size 2 to 4 in bottoms. But I feel stronger, healthier, and happier.
I don’t have a daughter of my own, but if I did, I would try to teach her to love her body the way God created it. God created everyone differently but also wonderfully. I would teach her to exercise, not so that she’ll look a certain way to fit in with the crowd, but because exercise is important for her overall well-being. I would teach her to be beautiful enough to be confident in herself, but not beautiful enough to think she is better than anyone else. I would teach her to be comfortable in her own skin and to avoid social media and marketing tactics. She doesn’t need to be spending an excessive amount of money on clothes, hair, nails, or beauty products. Because in time, beauty will eventually fade. I would teach her to focus on her character and encourage her to grow to be the type of woman that God would be proud of.
On a side note:
While it’s very common to read about body image issues with women, particularly teenagers and young adults, body image in men is also present but less talked about. According to the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation, “some men feel they should be lean and muscular, have a large penis, be tall, have a full head of hair, and little body hair.” So guys can feel self-conscious, too. I’m not a guy, so I can’t personally speak to these things. But I think it’s good to be aware that everyone probably has some fear of being judged by others.