12 Lessons from 12 Years of Marriage
“I’m rooting for you guys,” a divorced guy friend told my husband. Most of the married couples he knew were now divorced. Contrastingly, most of the married couples we know are still married. Birds of a feather flock together maybe?
October 6 will mark my 12th wedding anniversary. I wanted to take some time to reflect on lessons learned throughout the years.
Marriage is not necessarily a “happily ever after.” Disney sold me this illusion of a romantic fairy tale. Sure, I experienced the blissful feelings of love initially (they call this “the honeymoon phase”). But do you know what inevitably ends up happening after doing something (in this case, being with someone) for a long time? You get bored.
Marriage is a commitment. You don’t just leave when you get bored or the passion fades away. It’s not for the weak-hearted. It will evoke all kinds of emotions, not just joy - anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration, annoyance, sadness, disgust, fear.
Marriage requires sacrifice and is a lot more work than I expected. It’s actually more work for the husbands. Husbands are supposed to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25) The Bible also instructs wives to “submit” to their husbands, and I think a lot of people get all worked up when hearing that because they interpret that as women being “less than.”
But that is far from the truth. In short, marriage is about serving each other. It doesn’t mean being a slave. It means thinking about someone else and taking care of another’s needs, not just your own. It means giving and not just taking, not expecting anything in return.
Marriage will be what you make of it. I’ve learned that it’s important to prioritize quality time with each other, especially after having a kid(s). Plan fun date nights. Try something new together. Show interest in what your spouse is interested in.
Change is inevitable. Grow as a couple, but also, grow as individuals. Pursue your own interests. Spend time with your own friends. Your conversations will become more interesting, and it’ll be easier for you to connect.
Forgive, forgive, and forgive again. Another thing that will undoubtedly happen is conflict. We are all sinners, and eventually things that were once hidden will come up to the surface. I may have started my marriage (incorrectly) thinking that my husband and I perfectly complemented each other.
But as time went on, some of the things I once found attractive about him started annoying me. The whole marrying “your better half” notion? I’ve realized that my husband doesn’t complete me. My husband exhibited traits that I lacked in myself (discipline and confidence being a few of them), that I didn’t think I needed to develop because I had him. But being inspired by him, I was able to grow.
Don’t try to change or control your spouse. That’ll just irritate him/her. Accept him/her with all of his/her flaws and imperfections. No one’s perfect, not even you. The only thing you can change or control is yourself.
Like a lot of paths in life, marriage is not a linear progression. It has its ups and downs, its peaks and valleys. But it’s a built-in support system. We’ve learned to lean in to each other and support each other as needed. Don’t expect marriage to be 50/50 all the time. It’s rarely going to be an equal partnership.
Don’t keep score. Marriage isn’t a competition. You’re supposed to be a team. Conflict can often arise because of household division of labor. Cater towards individual strengths. Also, be aware and learn to accept that your spouse may do things differently than you.
Communication is key. Don’t assume your spouse is a mind reader. If you don’t express your needs, chances are your needs won’t be met. There have been periods in our marriage when I got so frustrated with our differing communication styles. “We’re too different,” I thought. “We’re no longer compatible. We keep fighting about the same thing over and over again. How is our marriage going to survive?”
I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve even threatened my husband with the “D” word. In my mind, I was looking for the easy way out. Or maybe I wanted to exert some power over my husband, thinking that would scare my husband a little.
Maybe it did because it softened him. I remember him asking me in a hurt tone, “You don’t really want to get a divorce, do you?” As mentioned before, conflict will happen. But you will learn conflict resolution, and your marriage will build resilience.
Don’t keep secrets from each other.
Small moments matter. Remember to express gratitude for your spouse. Make sure to put more positive deposits into your marriage piggy bank than negative deposits. My husband always (or at least tries to) kisses me goodbye in the mornings before he leaves the house. We’ve somehow managed to go to bed around the same time most nights and cuddle with each other before going to sleep. It’s a habit that I appreciate but often take for granted. I know some couples who have different sleep times.
Prioritize sex, even if it means scheduling it. This might be TMI, but after having a kid, I’m usually too exhausted in the evening and not in the mood. Fortunately my husband works remotely most of the time, and we’ve found that nooners work best for us.